I must confess. I am the one sitting next to you at church quiet, not making a sound as you all sing “Our God is Greater.” You might think I am not participating, as if it means nothing to me at all. This chorus of praise raising the roof!!! But rest assured. I am not bored and I am not uninterested.
See, to be sitting amongst believers whose hearts are pouring out praise to our God for who He is and what He has done in our lives….. this is a beautiful thing. But, when one has been in the desert, parched for fellowship, starving for spiritual food and nourishment, and then enters the land flowing with milk and honey, it takes a bit of time to adjust.
I have not always been able to sit amongst the overflow of a heart at Worship. I have come through seasons of drought in this spiritual life of mine that rival the Sahara. Circumstances of life overwhelm and disappointments linger. And the first thing to go is always the one thing needed most: fellowship with the One true God, and with fellow believers.
I willingly entered this desert living because I didn’t know how to face that bible study class when half of the women were pregnant and I was desperately longing for what they already had. How do I cling to hope when we have lost seven babies and I just can’t try anymore? How do I sit in that pew alone, staring down the beginnings of a nine-month deployment, desperately missing my husband?
So I retreat to this desert in an attempt to mask the pain underneath. Because, to be transparent and show my hurt and deep disappointment is a vulnerable place to sit.
I got very comfortable flying under the radar. Going through the motions and burying my hurt and pain. Put a smile on my face and my best foot forward, not allowing anyone close enough to notice. And so my cup ran dry.
But our God is a patient God. Our God is a God of second chances and redeemed lives. He is a God who patiently waits for us to turn to Him to quench our thirst and fill our empty souls. A God who seeks us in the Desert and leads us in to the overflow we find in His presence.
So, when you notice me quiet, eyes closed, as the rest of you rock out in praise to our God in heaven, remember it is just my way of worshiping that day. I am silent before the Lord as I remember where the Lord found me, led me, healed me, and filled me.
I am overcome with thankfulness and praise as I remember the depth of my spiritual hunger and thirst. For here in the land flowing with milk and honey the spiritual food tastes richer, the drink sweeter, and His presence fills completely.
Isaiah 58:11 “And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.”